My reticence regarding thorough editing of these posts fascinates me. Me, who needs to present a polished exterior. Me, who has a hard time fathoming doing something half-assed. I almost can’t stand it in my day-to-day, so it intrigues me that I am so okay with it here; especially since writing is something I really care about and have historically been touchy about people reading my un-polished work.
Yet, for the posts I put up here, I am less worried about their perfection. I don’t even think about it, really, because I don’t expect them to be perfect. By fully admitting to putting in low-effort, I think I relieve myself of some of the pressure that haunts me absolutely everywhere.
However, it is still a vulnerable admission. After writing last night’s post, I felt a wave of stress at my confession. I don’t like to edit, and I do very little editing of these posts. Horrible to say. That feels as bad as saying I am okay with half-assed work. I can’t say I agree with that statement, but I can’t say I disagree, either. I do have fun doing quick writes for these posts and just going with whatever comes from those twenty-or-so minutes. I don’t feel pressure to be perfect, which leaves only space for the fun that writing is.
The fact that I have not a single recurring reader is probably most of the answer to all these musings, honestly. There is no one to perform for, which means this is as fun as I make it. If not editing is fun, great! If editing becomes fun, awesome! I can do whatever I want.
But when the thought creeps in that this is a findable blog on the internet, I think that is where the anxiety creeps in. I pre-judge myself for admitting I don’t prefer to labor over edits for these posts, as if defending myself from the critiques that do not exist. Preparing for the worst is what made my perfectionistic tendencies, after all.
Yet, I still chose to write these on a findable blog on the internet rather than a journal tucked safely in my room. On some level, I do want readers. I’m not sure on exactly which level, or how badly, but I keep returning to post here, don’t I?
