Tonight, after work, I spent a long time in bed watching Tik Toks. That is abnormal for me, but I just didn’t have any energy left after work today. Today’s work brought a lot of problems that needed my attention and it spent most of the mental energy I had for the day. Such a thing happens, and while I do what I can to ensure it doesn’t happen very often, there are some days where it is unavoidable.
I watched Tik Toks for longer than I was comfortable with, truthfully. I felt trapped in my own mind, begging myself to stop watching the videos and pick something else to do—I knew I still needed to blog, I also wanted to journal, I still needed to cook dinner—yet I kept scrolling. I kept watching and enjoyed at the same time that I wanted so badly to step away from it.
The best thing I feel I can do in those situations is be proud of myself when I am able to finally pull myself away from the screen. Mindless scrolling is a balm on days when I have no energy, but only to a point. Eventually (after about 20 minutes or so of scrolling), my brain has rested and recovered from the day, and I no longer need the reprieve social media offers. It is rare, however, that I am able to pull myself away at that 20-minute mark. All too often, I feel that division in my brain—part of me desperate to be done, the other part unable to stop.
I commend myself for recognizing those dual voices in my head. I want to be on my phone less, but there is a physical and chemical component that keeps me there. That is okay, bIt does not serve me to feel bad for scrolling longer than I’d like. Every time I put my phone down is a win. Escaping that soul-sucking, endless pit of content is a valiant feat. I eventually made it around to blogging, and to making dinner. Those are wins and I choose to recognize them as such tonight.
Every day, I try to be on my phone a little less. I find new hobbies to replace screen time with, I encourage myself to pick up those hobbies when I itch for social media. Slowly, surely, I am replacing the urge. It is not a quick path, and neither is it a particularly easy one. But it is a road I walk every day, and, eventually, I will get where I want to be.